...!!

I wish I knew how to play games...(my first love would never have strayed)

I wish I knew what it is to get my ego tickled ...(I'd have been rungs up the ladder by now) 

I wish I knew what it is that others want or do not want for that matter...(Tired of being misunderstood)

I wish I knew when to stop, when to shut up...

I wish I knew what it is to feel 'insensitive' ... (Maybe then in the past people would've thought twice before taking me for a ride)

I wish I knew why people evaluate me the way they do...

I wish I knew the basis for that evaluation...

I wish I could justify myself and make myself heard.... 

Sometimes...I wish I wasn't me!

Someday ...

Someday I will see through the fake and the lies

Someday I will know what it is to spread my wings and fly

Someday I will learn to separate the myth from the real 

Someday the world will appear so cruel
Then..someday, I will renounce it all

Catch myself before I fall

I'll Discover a new world 

Run wild with the wind

Revelling in the peace within

...That 'Someday' aint too far

That's a promise ... a promise to invisible scars...

It doesnt matter...

Alice came to a fork in the road.  "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

'Alice in Wonderland' fascinated me when I was a kid. I gleefully lapped up her adventures, imagining myself  falling down that rabbit-hole, getting lost in that fantastic world of creatures ...an escape from reality which sometimes threatened to overwhelm me. Everything about that story captivated me 'cept for the above dialogue btwn Alice n the Cheshire cat. As I grew up, I found it weird that Alice couldnt make up her mind on where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do and that in my opinion was something of a 'serious problem'. 

And one day as I read the 'above mentioned' for the millionth time, I asked myself 'what is it that I want to do'...'Do I know the road I want to take'? In that instant I realised I was so much like Alice...confused, scared & unsure. I shut the book, placed it back on the shelf, walked up to a mirror and took a long, hard look at myself...I didnt like what I saw! I saw myself 'directionless' & 'clueless' and for a minute as I let that feeling wash oer me, I was aghast at myself...I didnt want to be 'Alice' anymore! I didnt want any 'Cheshire cat' telling me 'It doesnt matter'...It does matter..It does!!

I wanted to take control of my life. I wanted to steer my ship the way I chose, to a destination I decided upon. Of course, there would be 'stops' along the way, but as long as I dont take my eyes off the goal, the obstacles dont matter...It has been 8 years since the day I decided 'Alice' wasnt going to be my role model anymore...

I love to escape every now and then into the world of fantasy ..who doesnt?! But I have my feet firmly rooted in reality, a mind that tells me 'look ahead...keep going..do not rest till u've reached ur goal' ...I get tired sometimes wondering if its all goin to be worth it...but one thing I know for sure - as long as I plod on 'destination' in mind, the struggle wont matter...not at all! 

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

Remembering good friends...

I am a part of all that I have met.  ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

True that! Every person I've met in my journey thru life has had some part to play,  in shaping me into the person I am today. There were some who nearly succeeded in scarring me for life and then there were a few others who left an indelible imprint, positive enough to prevent me from loathing life. This post is dedicated to those kind souls who took a chance on me :)

In school there were two friends who have knowingly or unknowingly contributed to my well being. Amala with her calm demeanor tamed the rebel in me, took time out to listen while I ranted and raved against the system and society as a whole. Prayed for me when I thought that God was a big joke. Smitha who shared and encouraged my enthusiasm for books, who knew me as a person, this was one friend who stood by me when the world walked out (1997) we dun keep in touch regularly but the bond still remains and I know I have a friend in her to turn to when the chips are down. Amala & Smitha...thank u! 

In college, there were quite a few, but there is just one who made a lasting impression that remains long after she left this world. Beena was not just my friend. She was the 'soul-mate' I'd never had. The person who believed in me and my capabilities, who encouraged me, who took the rap for me saying 'I dun want u being punished, made to stand outta the class. I want u to be in it, studying, cus I know u have it in u to be great someday. As for myself, I dun see any future.' I protested but she wouldnt listen and smilingly took the blame for whatever I did in class, thereby ensuring I would never miss a lecture. Not once did she have a harsh word for me, not once did she let me down...that is why I feel a great sense of loss as I write this, she being no more. She has left a void that's never gonna be filled. so here's to u, Beena - Thank u!! I wish u were here ...someday, I promise, I will make U proud.

Now for the years that saw me graduate from a student to a woman capable of making the bucks herself...The two Sangeetha's in the concerns I worked for knew without me even saying a word that I was going thru some difficult times where I cudnt afford a square meal...they made sure I had at least one meal free...My pride always came in the way of accepting food from someone I barely knew but they made sure I never went hungry. S & S ... I will never forget! Thank U! Thank u Shwetha for sharing ur biscuits and dreams with me... I dunno where u are right now, but someday I pray we meet. 

Sunil, Shukla....u were the best guy friends I ever had...not to forget Pasupathy...the best ever! The guy who slept on the platform whilst waiting for the reservation counter to open jus so tat I cud get a ticket to see my parents... helping me shift houses...this guy was my 'rock' at one point in time! Thank u guys..!! 

Shilpa...what can I say abt her..my best friend and confidante! The times we have spent together in joy and sorrow I'll never trade for anything in this world. Loyal to the extent of being protective, I owe a lot to her. She held my hand when I was going thru a bad phase personally...got me outta hell and inspired me to move up in life. I remember the time when a pal made fun of my outdated b&w  mobile, Shilpa rebuked her while I chose to remain silent. Three days later she got me a new color phone, it wasnt the gift tat touched me, it was the thought behind it. This is just one incident in a list of others which made me realise that not every one in this world is mean. Ship n me had a nasty fight not very long ago...harsh words were exchanged with me telling her in no uncertain terms to 'take a hike' ..she was very hurt but I didnt realise it then. I was busy with my new set of pals...then one day I realised the new ones were not even worth it...I mailed her an apology..I was ready to be rebuffed but she surprised me by responding at once and forgiving me...even goin to the extent of assuring me that she wud be there whenever I needed her. And she has kept up to that promise. She may be oceans apart from me but when I need a kind word ..she is there. When I need encouragement..she is there. Thank u Ship (I owe u big time)..I look frwd to that day (as u envisioned) when we sip on tea on a yacht, bickering good-humoredly as usual while watching the sea gulls fly by ... I treasure U!! 

There are good people in this world and I've had the good fortune of making their aquaintance ...for this, thank u God. And I know there are a few more of em good souls to come...but for now, I'm learning, observing, grasping, understanding and striving to repay the good that's been shown to me to someone out there who needs it the most. 

How callous can we be?!

Yesterday, (while accompanying my brother on one of his jaunts around town), we were caught in this huge traffic jam near Vidhana Soudha...and as the traffic started to clear, there was this scooterist in front of us trying desperately to kickstart his machine...my brother, impatient that he is started honking and swearing under his breath at the hapless scooterist. The scooterist finally managed to veer shakily to the side of the road, and as we passed him I turned around for a glance...I stared into the face of an old man, who looked shaken and unsure. My heart went out to him...I turned around and chided my bro 'tat was an old man' ...he replied 'oh! i didnt know' ...I picturized myself on tat road, old and mebbe even slightly deaf/blind trying to navigate myself through all that traffic..suddenly my vehicle sputters to a stop leaving me to contend with angry horns and rude gestures. What if I were returning home after a particularly bad day? A smile and an understanding glance would go a long way in easing some of that stress. Contrast that with angry horns and unsympathetic gestures...I dunno why I'm making such a big issue (as others would term it) outta this, but the fact remains - we have ceased to care for others. Gone are the days when the elderly were treated with kindness and respect. 

The other day I was shocked to hear this male pal of mine say 'old foggies should stop driving...they should sit at home rolling beads instead' ...callous & downright rude considering the fact that we will also come to that stage someday .. I wonder how we are going to react to insensitive louts around us.  Then there are these vermins who drive around in their swanky 'my dad's benevolence' cars with loud music blaring in the middle of the night with no regard for those that are trying to catch up on some much needed sleep, and the sick.. for whom sleep spells luxury, an escape from pain. Who cares?! Wait! lemme put it in their lingo 'who da f***k  cares?!! and you know why I hate these peabrained idiots? Cus I dont have it in me to protest...like everyone else I feel stifled..I feel its none of my business and that's what makes me wild...the incapability to raise my voice against ppl who have enough green to silence me if need be.  

But someday I'll be old and gray and then I'll wish for someone to protest on my behalf ... mebbe they'll tell me to roll my beads and stay outta their way..mebbe that will be my just reward for not speaking up when it mattered the most. 

Lost! Not wanting to be found...

This pal of mine wanted to know what's with the 'Lost n not wanting to be found' bunkum...According to her and many of em mortals I know, that line is a load of horse shit. They argue that 'love', 'acceptance' are of paramount importance ..in other words... 'wanting to be found'. Needless to say, I dont agree! Makes me feel so incapable, so dependent. 

There was a time when I was 'dependent' ...as much as I loathe the word..its true! My dependency stemmed from the fact that I 'found' happiness only when that person deemed it 'appropriate'...I found myself wanting to be happy..wanting to be loved and desired..wanting to be accepted...the wait finally did me in. I was tired, weary, restless and far too gone to even care...I resolved to never 'wait'...but steely resolve it was not...I made the same mistake of trusting another person with my happiness...and another and yet another...after which I gained 'enlightenment' so to speak of...I decided it was me who could make me happy, me who could destroy the demons, me who was my best friend...lost, u say? Yes, but now I dont want to be found...not now...not ever! 

I am capable..I am independent ..I have buns of steel ;) ...I can do without the fake niceties and the fawning adoration...I am me...Lost ..never wanting to be found!

I'm back...

I dont even know if this can be termed a 'comeback' ..I dont know if baring my soul before an audience is the right thing to do..I know not of their reactions and truth to tell...I dont really care..least not for the ones that make it their mission to bring me down. 

I used to blog...that was eons ago when I was going through one of the worst phases in my life. At that time, it didnt make much of a difference..I wished there was a blog that permitted one to scream out their frustration, download their pain...had to make do with a keyboard that bore the brunt of my fury, my disillusionment...I couldnt stop myself from plunging head first into the darkness that greedily welcomed me ... There wasnt a soul to to fish me out...I never felt the tug at the end of the line...and as I waited for someone..something to rescue me, I realized the futility of it all. I fished myself out...did it make me stronger, wiser? You'll learn from the posts that follow... I will learn from the posts that follow ..For now, suffice to say...I'm Back!!!