Torment

"No salvation for the broken heart
Eternally doomed, constant is its torment
Carelessly, the pieces strewn around
Mercilessly trampled
None to hear its muffled sound
Strangled cries and fervent pleas dismissed
Do as you please
You are no different
But pray be kind and end this pain
Grind your heels upon the pieces of this broken heart
Down, deep down into that cold, unforgiving ground
From where it will never rise again"

Love yourself. Forgive yourself. You are all you have!

"I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being.

You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach."

~Maya Angelou

A Resolve....

This is for you. You know who you are. I have been down that path before and I know what it feels. This is what I scribbled then and juvenile as it may sound, it did manage to pull me up. I'm hoping it does for you a fraction of what it did for me i.e lift you up to where the eagles soar.

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A Resolve

Today I will let depression weigh me down
as I search for an answer to my self inflicted problems
Today I will be awash with sadness
as I delve deep down into my core searching for that stubborn root
Today I will let the past fall on me like a shroud
as I fumble in the darkness tracing the patterns life has weaved
Today I will look back on past loves and betrayals
as I count the many times I've been wronged
Today I see my first love swearing undying love and loyalty to me
only to break my heart ten times and over
Today I see my second love so ardent and so earnest
only to say it was a mistake
Poetry and physics dont get along, they say
Today I see my third love, the obsessive one
my stalker, sweet talker; this had to break
Today I see my fourth love, the love after a sabbatical
the one that succeeded in ripping my heart
whose promises were glorified lies, the deserter, who walked away when the world called out 'fight'
Today I will reflect on these loves who have lost the best they could have had
as I smile to myself, I'm notches above
Today I will rue opportunities gone by
as I figure out a way to rid me of complacency
Today I will let morbid thoughts in
as I fight for a way to bring in a better day
Today I will let death play on my mind
as I devise a plan to love life
Today I discard, reject, accept
as I chart out a path to success
Today I will let hurt, anger and pain into my heart
as it constricts and threatens to pop my veins
The storm before the calm
Today I will skim through my friends, everyone of them
as I strike them all off my list one by one, I dont need excess baggage
that weighs me down instead of being my asset
Today I will remember promises that have been made
as I mercilessly rip them to shreds,
It's true, promises were meant to be broken
The truth lies in the unspoken
Today I will mull on the heavy burden of being looked up to
as I try desperately to stay afloat
and tonight,
I will forgive those that wronged me including myself
but I'll never forget
Because forgiving is moving on
and remembering is what makes me stronger
Tonight, I will toss all burdens aside
unworthy people, things and desires
Tonight, I resolve to cast away all hurt
and bring in pride, that will help me survive
Tonight as I watch the moon burn bright,
I smile in anticipation of the day
when chest out, chin determined, sans heart, I'm born again.

~~me

No Second Chance...

One life, no rebirth, no second chances

So much of heartache, nay a finger to wipe our tears

We make, we break, and we mess up things

Not once do we care for another’s feelings

A ‘sorry’ can mend but cannot undo anything once life is spent

A smile can repair what life has laid bare

But even that’s stolen, replaced by despair

We love fiercely but hide behind a mask hurting inside

Afraid to reveal our emotions inside

Till the day we realize that life has passed on by

Without a second glance and the one we loved

Has moved on just like life itself

We build up a fortress of false pride

And allow only pain and hatred inside

We wait in vain for someone to scale the walls

But no one cares for an ego that tall

We blame fate for things we can’t undo

We chase rainbows looking for that pot of gold

But fail to see the beauty in a gentle soul – the promise of wealth untold

We bicker and fight never knowing that it might be our last night

And our sorry tears are wasted like water on a desert of snow.

We erect bridges only to tear them down

Once built by love, now easy to disown

We covet that which is not ours

And in our envy, destroy a love once held so dear

We don’t hesitate to crush heads on our way to success

Bought at a price that’s disastrous

We rant and we rave for things we can’t take to our graves

We justify our actions to satisfy our fake sides

And then toss and turn at the rot accumulated inside

And when death finally catches up, there’s nothing left of us

Just a wasted mass of flesh that reeks of decay, with

Not a second chance to prove its worth again.

Thank you for smiling...

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles.  It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. 

~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

You have no idea what a smile can do. A colleague of mine came up to me today and said quite simply 'Thank you'. I didnt recall doing anything to warrant a 'thanks' so smiling I asked her 'why'. She said 'Your smile..thank you for smiling' and continued 'the other day I woke up with a headache and a heavy heart thanks to the fight I had with someone dear, I felt as though I were the biggest loser in this world. Suddenly life looked meaningless. I dragged myself to work and there you were at the pantry sipping tea. You looked up and gave me the kindest smile ever and enquired if I had breakfast. That was it. I just wanted a smile and u smiled, it made all the difference. You saved my day. So...thank you!' 

To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement...No one had said that to me. My mom in fact finds it weird I smile a lot, she thinks Im a loony bin :) so do many of em pals out there. 'What is so funny?' 'What are you smiling for?' 'Something wrong with me..why are u smiling?' are some of the comments I get and I think to myself 'If u dont understand my smile, u probably will never understand me, the words I say, the things I do' 

I smile because I love smiling and the credit for this goes to my late pal Beena who told me 'Smile even when your heart is breaking, your strength might help another who may not be as strong as you.' 

On my part, I've seen people smile in the worst of situations. There was this person, a family acquaintance who had five kids, he wasnt 'well-off' ... he could hardly afford to feed his family, a meal a day for the entire lot spelt 'luxury' ...I hear the kids used to sip on black tea every day to quell hunger pangs. Through all this, the guy never forgot to smile.  He had a smile for everyone, his kids followed suit, they were the most pleasantest bunch ever ... Their smiles came from within, genuine and kind. Most of us around them had a relatively better life but we seldom smiled. Oh how poor we were! 

Their smiles made us feel good, that was their wealth they were sharing with us...us miserable twits who ate to our belly's content 4 times a day, who argued and bickered over trivial stuff, who threw tantrums 'Christina's parents got her a cycle. I want one too.. Now!!' Oh how poor we all were!! 

While we went to sleep plotting and planning how to get our way with family and friends, there was this family who slept on 'near empty' stomachs, with a prayer in their heart and a smile on their lips. Oh how poor we were!! I remember how nice I used to feel when someone smiled at me, genuine smiles that spoke of no malice, envy or hatred. I realised that if I did the same, someone else would feel the way I did and that is the reason I smile ..a lot these days..for no apparent reason. They may call me weird, but that is fine by me...The ratio of 'weird' to 'thank you for smiling' may be 1000:1, but for me its that 1 that matters.  Its that 1 that makes me feel I am of some use to people around. 

A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile. (quote)

So ..Smile!! You never know, your smile may make the difference in someone's life today...

A smile costs nothing but gives much.  It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give.  It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.  None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it.  Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away.  Some people are too tired to give you a smile.  Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give. 

~Author Unknown

Tired.....so very tired!!

And if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
~D.H. Lawrence

~ My strength is made perfect in weakness ~

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go" 

I dunno who said that but I agree with it even when it threatens to constrict my heart. To say there is an 'iota of truth' in it would be an understatement. The fact is that the more you tend to hold on to someone or something that just isnt yours, you are setting yourself up for a massive disappointment. You may think that surrender is weakness...but sometimes surrendering to the inevitable takes a lotta courage. 

Letting go of something or someone requires strength, it aint that easy cus U know that by doing so U are going to pieces. U will require to draw upon every ounce of strength that's within u to combat that feeling of despair that threatens to mercilessly rip you to shreds. And that's where you win...that's where u proudly say 'it hurts BUT I'm letting u go...' If I hold on to u a min longer it would mean I dont consider myself strong enough to go on without u. I've tried...God knows I've tried but now I know its time to 'let go' 

A part of loving means learning to let go... making way for something better to enter our lives. 

So here's to the 'strong', the 'brave' ...the 'survivor'..here's to us! 

May we live with passion, love with intensity and let go (when its needed) with dignity!